I saw his package. It spoke to me.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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