he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
