Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
