I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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