ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
