someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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