I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
