I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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