i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
