So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
