its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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