I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
