just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
