the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
