i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
