The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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