Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
