Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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