When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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