When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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