tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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