Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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