I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
