Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
