she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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