And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
