I looked at my own cervix.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
