I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
