I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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