Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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