you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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