that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
my liver is dry heaving
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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