I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
