Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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