when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
