you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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