you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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