Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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