Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
