How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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