I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
