Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
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I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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