I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
