did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
