it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
