Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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