I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I need to calm my uterus...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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