Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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