you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The feeling are messing with the penis
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
