She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
