sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
