I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
