I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
