Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
