I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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