I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
