I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
