So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
one might say we're banned from that church
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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