I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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