Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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